Not much to report, but I thought I’d give a quick update now that I am one week into taking the Cometriq.
So far it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m definitely feeling more tired, a lot achier and a little dizzier, but nothing extreme. I kept imagining myself taking the medicine and immediately turning into some sort of wretching, gray skinned ghoul. Thankfully, not yet.
The lumps in my neck don’t seem to be getting bigger, but they feel more constrictive. I used to only notice when I cough or sneeze, but now I can feel it every time I swallow. It’s not altogether painful, just uncomfortable.
Not being able to drive my car is still really hard to deal with. Losing my independence is definitely one of the more challenging parts of this whole thing. I’ve experimented with walking to the store (about 2 miles), taking the bus, and using Lyft to get to some appointments. But it’s really not the same, and walking 2 miles is a lot for me right now. I basically, need to sleep the whole rest of the day. 😛 But I think getting out of the house and the exercise are both useful. So I plan to keep on that. I’m also debating getting a bicycle to run errands. This is not a great idea for my own safety, but at least if I pass out I’m not behind the wheel of a giant car and going to hurt someone else. I might even consider wearing a helmet. 😀
What if?
A mental demon I’ve been wrestling with lately is “What if?”
And not the “What if” most people would expect. The question I’m wrestling with is, “What if I DO get better?”
It doesn’t sound like a problem. In fact, its exactly what we are all hoping and praying for (right?!). But imagine hundreds of people from all parts of your life, and even complete strangers, pool together their love, support and generous donations so that YOU can get better. Everyone is rooting for you and maybe just what you need to pull through and get back to living your life!
But then the crazy part of my brain kicks in (Did you miss the part where I have BPD?). I can’t stop thinking about how I need to live up to these expectations. I can’t stop thinking about trying to give everyone a return on their investment (to put it coldly). If I get a second chance at life, then I should be doing great things with that second chance! Frankly, it’s really scary. Because I don’t think of myself as all that special or deserving. What if I just float along and do nothing of importance for the rest of my life? What if people donate more money than I need to pay my medical bills? What if we had all pooled our money and support into someone more deserving — of someone more capable of great things? Someone who wouldn’t squander the opportunity?
I hate the thought of disappointing everyone. I know I am judging myself MUCH harsher than most or all of you. In fact, I’m betting most of you lovely people are screaming at the computer saying “Shut up, take the money/love/support, get better, and worry about the rest later.” Because that is what I would say if the roles were reversed.
Next Steps
Stop making assumptions about other people’s expectations.
Traveling to Maine on Monday to visit family and do Christmas things. I hope to see some of you there! My last AudioBody show of the year, decade, (ever?!) will be at Sugarloaf on New Year’s Eve. On January 9th I have my follow-up to see if the Cometriq is working.
